What to do when you lose your job.

1. Take a deep breath and relax. It’s not you.
2. Have a conversation with your spouse/partner/children/parents as to the ramifications of your new status. Keep those close to you closer. Stay away from negative personalities (re-think your friends).
3. Go through you finances. Start cutting out all non-essential expenses (cable TV, eating out, etc.)
4. File for unemployment immediately.
5. Get assistance in creating/updating your resume.
6. Identify career-specific sites which are geared to your occupation or profession.

Suggested daily schedule:

1. Get up at a regular hour, as if you were working.
2. Exercise or take a walk for one hour.
3. Dress in business casual attire. You are what you wear and your attitude will reflect this.
4. Spend no more than one hour researching potential job offerings on the internet (NJ.com, NYTimes.com).
5. Send out at least 10 applications for work, even if you do not meet all of the requirements.
6. Plan to make at least 10 phone calls either looking for work, or following up on applications.
7. Build a self-improvement plan – courses to take, lose or gain weight, hair color, clothing choices, etc.
8. Start and maintain a list of your positive attributes, qualities and skills. Read it often.
9. Get out of the house. Find, join and go to every networking and job-seeking support group available in your area. Volunteer. Do anything that will keep you meeting and talking to people.
10. Don’t be embarrassed. Talk to people. You are not alone. You never know which person you meet and speak with will be the link to future employment.
11. Maintain a positive attitude.

Some weeks ago I was speaking to friends who were participating in a local “Singles” weekend. They were commenting on the attitudes of some of the participants. Many were outgoing, friendly, and in general were what they expected to find at this type of event. Others were laid back, shy, generally quiet and seemed to blend into the background. Some lacked interest, seemed to be without social graces, were arrogant to the point of disdain, and in general, were standoffish, exuded a “me only” attitude and presence. There were also those who projected a feeling of depression that bordered on surrender to their fate. In other words, the group represented a typical cross section of the general population. But they were “Singles,” assembled for a specific purpose – to meet prospective future life partners.

Searching for a spouse can be a lengthy and intense process. Everyone hopes that ultimately the goal will be achieved. When it does happen, is it luck or the result of hard work? With each encounter, individuals should, hopefully, learn from their experiences and improve on their successes. Bottom line, it comes down to being in the right place at the right time and recognizing the right opportunity when it comes. However, even meeting the “bashert” requires personal effort. So what can one do to improve the chances of one’s success?

This is America. America invented Marketing. Marketing means “the process or technique of promoting, a product or service.” Some Singles appear to be part of the only group of Americans unaware of this. Rather than marketing themselves, how many Singles go out into the world with a shopping list? “I’m looking for the perfect mate: “tall, dark, handsome, rich, a professional…”; “medium height, brunette, great figure, sense of humor,…”. Okay, now that we know (or maybe not) what we’re looking for, what have we got to offer? The fact is, some Singles seem to be so busy looking to buy, or are just shopping, that they spend little, if any time marketing and promoting themselves.

It should now be explained that I am a Life Coach. Many (certainly not all) of the people that I work with feel a need to reinvent, or redefine themselves as marketable entities (my description, not theirs). Specifically, we work on what they can do to increase their self-awareness. Emphasis is placed on clients improving attitudes towards themselves, recognizing and fortifying their strengths, identifying their goals and maintaining a high level of optimism and enthusiasm throughout their search. The expression “success breeds success” is very accurate. Watch what happens to people that have positive experiences. Look at their faces, admire their smiles. Their posture improves as does the tonality of their speech and their choice of words. Everything about them exudes charm, warmth and happiness. Their health improves! These are people that others would like to be near, would like to get to know. These are people that create an aura of receptivity to themselves, what they have to say and what they have to offer. These are the people who will achieve their goals. These are the people who successfully market themselves.

Looking for a prospective spouse should be the ultimate marketing and sales exercise. An individual can be taught the accepted methodology, such as joining organizations, volunteering, finding network contacts and so on. They can be coached in how to carry on telephone conversations, network with potential partners, be “interviewed,” “negotiate” and “close the deal”. They can be taught how to dress, how not to dress, what to say, what not to say, how to follow up after a date, accept rejection or savor the feeling of success. Sounds like someone looking for a job, doesn’t it? However, unlike those who are unemployed and are urged to implement all of these directions, Singles generally don’t apply these criteria to their actions or activities.

Singles may be the only group that in which some members approach one another with a buy-buy attitude. Imagine two people at that Singles weekend, each trying to find the person matching most, if not all of the criteria on their shopping lists. What was their attitude going in? Were they looking to buy, or to sell? How did they find and speak to one another? What did they say? Were they dressed to kill, inappropriately casual, or in the proper context for the occasion? Did they express interest in their partners, or were they so busy talking about themselves that their audience lost interest? Did they keep their commitments by arriving at activities at the agreed time, or did they expect that showing up was enough? Were they generous in their giving, or did they expect only to get? Did they criticize others, or were positive in their interactions?

How did they meet new people? Did they automatically avoid those that appear to lack the physical characteristics on their list, or did they easily interface with others, regardless of their external trappings?

Those who participated in the Singles weekend brought the answers to these and other questions with them.

There is a chance that the weekend was successful and they met who was potentially THE ONE. There is a definite possibility that their participation resulted in a continuing search. It is also possible that someone met at the weekend has a friend, or has a friend that has a friend, and so on, that is THE ONE. Who is to know? How can one tell?

The fact is that there is no way of knowing in advance. One thing, however is certain – it is far more likely to have someone remember you if you are friendly and interested in them as people, regardless of whether they possess the shopping list criteria, than if not. Is it preferable to have gone into the weekend as a marketer and salesperson, or as a critical shopper?

If it’s the marketer, then every weekend and every personal encounter will end with a positive result – at the least, with an expanded personal network. If it’s the critical shopper, then – well, what then? What has one gained?

Doesn’t it make sense to take the marketing approach? It’s never too late. By working as a marketer, the individual will create an entity worth marketing. If you haven’t done so already, then think about Recreating Yourself as a Marketable Entity You’ve got nothing to lose, and only a lifetime of potential happiness and success to gain.

I recently had to cancel a workshop on Motivation because only five people had registered.

The organizer asked, “How do you motivate people who are basically unmotivated, to attend a workshop on Motivation?” An excellent question! One, however, that is fairly easy to answer.

To successfully motivate a person, the goal must be worthy of the effort required to achieve it. What people tend to forget, however, is that the ultimate goal may only be achieved by first defining many smaller goals along the way which are more readily achievable.

So what does it say about those that are “unmotivated?”

I would suggest that it says nothing more than the fact that some people have simply stopped setting goals. Or perhaps it simply says that people have forgotten that the whole is simply a sum of all of its parts.

To maintain the level of motivation required to continue looking for work, especially in this economy, people must define and pursue goals

My mom and dad had been married for 59 years when, in 1998, my dad died.

With old-school, typically middle class values, and a trade that my father learned at the age of 16, they succeeded in building a moderately comfortable lifestyle while putting enough aside to make certain that their retirement years would be funded without placing an extra burden on me, their only child. In retrospect this was only partially true. This principle also included effectively locking me out of their lives, and not being party to major decisions that affected them. It also set the pattern that was to continue in later years – my parents were one unit, I and my family were another.

But this is not an story about my parents. It is about my own passage from being a shielded only child, to an adult having to confront the very real issues of the elderly, as experienced with my mom after dad’s passing.

Throughout their marriage, my dad made all of the decisions, my mom carried them out. Errands had to be run, so my dad would send my mom to do them. He was the focal point of their conversation. He, as it turned out, was the focal point of their social relationships. He was the one who provided the perspective when dealing with issues. Imagine the sudden void when he was no longer there to give her direction. Not having any other model to follow, my family approached this new reality from the same perspective. This was but the first in a long series of misjudgments and learning steps that led us to where we are today. I had to confront issues which I had never had to previously ponder.

Sometimes, when one is too close, or too involved, perspective is distorted. In our case, the problem was further compounded by the simple fact that we were literally oceans apart. My mother was living in Israel while we were in Central New Jersey. When we did see her, several times a year, perspective was clouded by our desire to avoid conflict.

These were but some of the issues of my momís behavior that we faced:

We interpreted her paranoia as her fear of being alone. It doesnít help the interpretation process when the accusations included half truths. Progressive loss of memory was attributed to the norm as old age. It doesnít help when the personal physician supports this, and other close family members concur. A lack of personal organization in the home can be attributed to a lack of motivation, rather than the confusion that should have been evident. A noticeable deterioration of the level of personal hygiene and the cleanliness of the surroundings was attributed to the same lack of motivation and energy, and was further forestalled with promises that it will be taken care of. A tendency of not continuing her participation in organizational and communal activities was interpreted as a passing stage. In all instances, my mom belittled the problems, but assured us that she would ìfixî them.

As the telephone tales of momís behavior, as told to us by those close to her increased in number, we were guilty of rationalizing the facts with, perhaps a desire not to have to deal with the issues. However, avoiding the realities does not solve the problems, and as problems go, they only get worse.

It was during one of these visits that it became apparent that my mother could no longer live alone. We suggested that we hire a live-in caregiver. She objected. She assured us that she would take care of herself and her home. We believed her. She forgot her own assurances.

We suggested that she move into an assisted living facility where she can continue to retain her independence while having others deal with daily necessities, while assuring her continued health and well-being. She left the door open to the possibility while constantly anchored in her stated ability to take care of herself without assistance. We did the research, visiting at least a dozen facilities close to where she lived in Israel. On visits, we took her to the best of the places. She agreed to try them out; then she recanted; then she again agreed, then again recanted, and so on. There was no solution that was acceptable to her. This was compounded by the fact that we were trying to solve the problems from a distance.

During a subsequent visit we learned that my mom was so disorganized that basic bills had remained unpaid, sometimes for as many as six months. She could no longer manage her own finances. I arranged for automatic billing and payment from my accounts. We hired a caregiver to visit several times a week to assist in shopping, cleaning and cooking. A greater benefit was providing human company and conversation. This was only a temporary solution, since we werenít present to manage the caregiver.

Yet, through all of this, she continued to both agree to, then immediately recant, the possibility of entering a facility on a trial basis. Then one day, a decision was made based on events that were unforeseen. My mom was spending the Passover holiday period with my son and his family. Within 24 hours, she became disoriented, paranoid, accusative and argumentative, all of which served only to upset her hosts, and by extension via telephone, us. They took her to visit a few facilities close to their home. Again she agreed to a trial visit. Naturally, she forgot her commitment, but wisdom prevailed as my son helped her pack, taking her to the home, while assuring her that it was just for a day or two. Days became weeks and so on.

For the first month there were daily problems. Mom wanted to go home. Overseas phone calls, disruptions at work, emotional trauma, and so on by all concerned were the direct results. We felt guilty for having caused her discomfort. We were upset because we put our personal piece of mind ahead of her happiness. Yet each time we convinced her to stay for just another day.

During this period we met Ronni Greene in Fair Lawn on a social occasion. Ronni told us that she was familiar with what we were going through. Her business involved selling Long Term Care Insurance, bringing her into contact with many families having very similar experiences. It was during our conversations that I was able to accept the situation for what it was.

We learned that my experiences were the norm, and there was nothing personal about it. More important, we learned and understood that in our desire to do the best for my mom we put ourselves into untenable positions, which, by their very existence, only served to compound the damage.

We learned that in order to help my mother survive her reality, we would have to do what is best for us. There would be resistance and tension. The best scenario, would be the one that enables my mother to get the best care, while minimizing as much as possible the discomfort and upheaval that this care would cause to our lives. If we were not in a position of comfort, then how could we expect to provide the comfort that she deserves?

It is now over 6 years and during each conversation, my mother still tells us that she is happy, living in a wonderful room surrounded by wonderful people. And each time she tells us that she arrived there just the day before.